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Well, look, there’s no doubt there is an opportunity here, though obviously I won’t be doing it myself. There are many things I would do to save western civilisation, but having Elon Musk’s baby is not going to be one of them. Apart from anything else, I wouldn’t want to have to call my child “XL5”, “R Daneel Olivaw”, or any other bonkers name plucked from a sci-fi novel he’s still obsessed with, but which the rest of us stopped regarding as Holy Scripture around the time we got interested in girls. Then again, I guess they’re no worse than “Trevor”.
Anyway, for some years the Tesla-chief-turned-Trump-henchman has been so worried about population shrinkage that he believes it is his job to raise the birth rate, which admittedly sounds more fun than going to Mars. He is now spending a lot of money supporting his many children and has been quite open about the fact that he is looking to expand his payroll. Details of the interview process are vague, but it looks like Musk has fathered 14 children so far, which certainly puts Boris Johnson’s efforts in the shade. He is super serious about this mission, apparently telling one of his prospective mums about his ambition “to reach legion-level before the apocalypse”.
Legion-level, eh. That’s some serious Boys from Brazil enterprise you are talking about. That level of commitment could take a chap out of circulation for a while. A Roman legion was 4,000-6,000 strong. That’s a lot of mini-Musks to accommodate and a lot of willing vehicles, though it may explain why Donald Trump is so determined to secure Greenland. These kids have got to live somewhere, at least till he can get them all to Mars. And have you seen the cost of land in California?
Anyway, this is a serious opportunity, and with technology wiping out all the ordinary jobs, whelping for Elon could be a growth sector, until he decides to industrialise the whole process in some new business venture called something like Foundation or The Hatchery.
Mind you, Musk does not believe saving western civilisation from a falling birth rate is just a numbers game. We can’t just leave the west’s future in the hands of the usual riffraff. He’s after intelligent women who often have a decent career. The money is pretty good, especially if you find Musk’s genetic cocktail appealing. The only real problem is that it comes with significant conditions. These are likely to include non-disclosure agreements, views on how the child will be raised and, of course, the naming issue. Clearly, you can always have the child and refuse the terms, but then all you’ll get is the starter kit.
If you are tempted, however, and possess the correct attributes to help save western civilisation, you would be wise to act quickly before the cost of breeding a legion begins to impact the terms. The Wall Street Journal reported last week that Musk offered one prospective parent a $15mn flat fee, plus $100k a month in child support. Even a billionaire might balk at that 5,000 times over. Elon will probably always be good for a bob or two, but it would be a shame to get in so late that you have to settle for $20k a year, a Cybertruck and a starter home outside Topeka.
And at some point, Musk may recognise the commercial value of his paternity. Rather than paying you to carry his baby, he might start charging for the privilege. In fact, I’m surprised that a businessman of his talent has not already thought of this. Of course, that won’t matter if money isn’t the issue for you. Perhaps you are down with his mission and just want some successful genes. I suppose he would worry about quality control — tech-titan genes should not be given away. Mind you, at that point other tech bros might also get in on the act, raising the prospect of a bit of price competition, and maybe some discounts in Prime week.
Bear in mind that you would probably also need to reassure him that you are not infected by the woke mind virus, which might see your children going badly off the rails and doing dangerous subversive things such as obeying court rulings or reading To Kill a Mockingbird.
So the question really is whether you are prepared to sign up to Musk’s terms. But if you are, then get cracking. This chance to save the west and bank eight figures cannot last.
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